best man speech

 

 

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Best Man's Speech Jokes and one liners samples below.


I promised “Groom” I wouldn’t tell his tattoo story, but everyone here has the right to know. “Groom” and I went to the tattoo parlor and “Groom” offered the tattoo artist $1000.00 to put a tattoo of a $100 dollar bill on his penis. The artist agreed, but was curious and asks “Groom” why he wants to do this. “Groom” replied, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.” So the artist went ahead and did the job.
It took the artist over straight 2 hours to complete the tattoo, during which he was constantly asking “Groom” why he was doing this. “Groom” replied each time with the same answer: “I’d rather not say.” The artist just became more and more curious. When the tattoo was finally finished, and “Groom” was about to pay, the artist said, “listen, I’ll let you keep the $1000, you won’t need to pay me anything if you just tell me why you wanted this done?” Without hesitation “Groom” replied. “Ok, there are three reasons why. First, I like to play with money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.”


I can remember the first wedding I ever attended. I was ten years old and it just so happens that “Groom” was right there beside me. After the service, I asked “Groom”, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen” “Groom” responded. I was amazed “Groom” knew the answer so quickly. “How did you know that?” “Easy” “Groom” replied. “All you have to do is add it up… like the preacher said: ‘four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.”


When “Groom” and I were back in first grade, I can remember Mr.”Groom’s Father” trying to warn us about marriage, but back then we were too young to understand. One instance that comes to mind would be back at the corner drug store, where “Groom” spotted a two pack of condoms on the shelf. We asked Mr. “Groom’s Father” what they were for. Mr. “Groom’s Father” replied. “You boys don’t need to concern yourself with these right now… you won’t be needing these until you’re both teenagers. You see when you are teenagers you will need the two pack one for Friday night and the other for Saturday night. “Groom” and I soon spotted the six-pack of condoms, and asked Mr. “Groom’s Father” what they were for. “Groom’s Father” replied “Well boys the six-pack you won’t need until you are in college, because in college you are going to need two for Friday night, three for Saturday night, and one for Sunday morning when you wake up.” Finally, we spotted the jumbo twelve-pack and we asked Mr. “Groom’s Father” what they were for. He replied “Well boys, the twelve-pack you’re not going to need until you get married. You see when you get married you will need the twelve-pack because you are going to need one for January, one for February, one for March…”


Marriage: a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage: a three-ring circus – engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder and lightning.

Marriage: the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Remember: Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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